I have learned that no matter what happens or how bad it seems today, LIFE does go on AND it WILL be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell alot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things : a rainy day, lost luggage and tangled christmas lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents you will miss them when they are gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same as making a "life ".
I have learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart , I usually make the right decision. I've learned that when I have pains I do not have to be one. I have learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug or just a friendly pat on the back. I have learned that I STILL have a lot to learn . I've learned that people will forget what you said, peolpe will forget what you did, but people will NEVER forget how you made them feel.'
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Sunday, October 28, 2007
The Shambles of My Life
I don't even know where to begin. I feel like I'm at the lowest place I could possibly be. I'm being sucked into this whirlpool of emotions. Where everything is pulling me down so quickly and in a circular motion. I'm dizzy from all the movement. Today, I can't even begin to explain the humiliation and hurt I received from the 2 people I love so very much. After service today, I felt like such a failure; an embarassment to anyone that talks to me. I'm made to feel this way by people who feel the need to "humble" me or "talk bad about me" as result to pull me down.
I guess when I'm depressed... I'm not depressed enough to everyone because I chose not to include people in on my life.(like - let them know what's going on. I put up a front so that it appears everything is alright) It's really hard... because when I'm upset the most or down then most... I close everyone out and I dont' want any communication what-so-ever. I have no desire to rant my feelings out to anyone or to "talk" about what's going on. Yet, I want to. I wish I had a friend who was FRIEND ENOUGH to pursue me (as a friend) to find out what I was going through. That friend who will care enough to stretch just one foot forward to let me know that they TRULY care about me.
Allow me to elaborate a little further...
Ever been to a place that's totally new to you? Where NO ONE knows you? You have to walk in and make friends all on your own without knowing a single name? When you get in that place you think, "wow... this is such a great place to be! I want to be here forever!" Then you start trying to make "contacts" or "connections", but for some odd reason no one is giving you the time of day? Instead they turn their noses up and walk off in the other direction. Was it something you did? Were you walking funny? You scream out, "What did I do?" and their reply is, "It's just who you are." You search high and low in every possible memory you have and quickly start trying to figure out what it is about you that they don't like.
So you start changing things about you to win acceptance. You bring yourself (more or less allow yourself) to get to this level that (according to your standards) isn't a place you want to be, but if this is where you are accepted then... maybe it's ok for now. After subcumbing yourself down to that level you go up to them again and say, "how about now?" And they continue to walk in the other direction; neglecting or chosing NOT to acknowledge your presence. So this sparks more desire/determination in you to want to keep changing until you win their acceptance. You are in a whirlwind of changes. Everything going soo fast and changing so quickly that you aren't sure why you started changing in the first place. After all is said and done... you are so sure that "Now... they will like me. I've done all this for them. They have to accept me now." So you walk up to them with excitement in your voice and you say, "How about now? Do you like me now that I've changed for you!?"
They glance at you and say, "NO..." You quickly cry out, "Why? What am I doing that's wrong?" Their reply is, "It's just you." Their response rips through you like a wave. It starts in the heart... and then affects the rest of you.
You are now at this point of frustration. You don't understand. You let your guard down. You changed almost everything there is to change. You don't even remember who you were once before. This no longer makes sense. In your haste to redeem yourself somehow you call out, "What can I do to make you like me?" No response... they just walk away. You look at what you have to change... and all that's left... is Shambles; pieces that no longer make sense. You can't figure this out. In your conquest to win the acceptance of "them" everything has fallen apart in your life. You find yourself alone in this "place" that is full of people who never even gave you a chance to show them what kind of person you could be.
Do you know this point?
Good... because now you understand where I am. I'm hanging on a cliff; struggling to hang on with everything that's left in me. No one to help... why? Because I was written off before they ever knew me or wanted to know me.
Sad? yes.... but very true.
It's pretty sad when christians have allowed themselves to treat other christians/friends/people this way and think of it as "ok" or the "modern day vernacular".
Maybe they'll learn one day... just maybe...
I guess when I'm depressed... I'm not depressed enough to everyone because I chose not to include people in on my life.(like - let them know what's going on. I put up a front so that it appears everything is alright) It's really hard... because when I'm upset the most or down then most... I close everyone out and I dont' want any communication what-so-ever. I have no desire to rant my feelings out to anyone or to "talk" about what's going on. Yet, I want to. I wish I had a friend who was FRIEND ENOUGH to pursue me (as a friend) to find out what I was going through. That friend who will care enough to stretch just one foot forward to let me know that they TRULY care about me.
Allow me to elaborate a little further...
Ever been to a place that's totally new to you? Where NO ONE knows you? You have to walk in and make friends all on your own without knowing a single name? When you get in that place you think, "wow... this is such a great place to be! I want to be here forever!" Then you start trying to make "contacts" or "connections", but for some odd reason no one is giving you the time of day? Instead they turn their noses up and walk off in the other direction. Was it something you did? Were you walking funny? You scream out, "What did I do?" and their reply is, "It's just who you are." You search high and low in every possible memory you have and quickly start trying to figure out what it is about you that they don't like.
So you start changing things about you to win acceptance. You bring yourself (more or less allow yourself) to get to this level that (according to your standards) isn't a place you want to be, but if this is where you are accepted then... maybe it's ok for now. After subcumbing yourself down to that level you go up to them again and say, "how about now?" And they continue to walk in the other direction; neglecting or chosing NOT to acknowledge your presence. So this sparks more desire/determination in you to want to keep changing until you win their acceptance. You are in a whirlwind of changes. Everything going soo fast and changing so quickly that you aren't sure why you started changing in the first place. After all is said and done... you are so sure that "Now... they will like me. I've done all this for them. They have to accept me now." So you walk up to them with excitement in your voice and you say, "How about now? Do you like me now that I've changed for you!?"
They glance at you and say, "NO..." You quickly cry out, "Why? What am I doing that's wrong?" Their reply is, "It's just you." Their response rips through you like a wave. It starts in the heart... and then affects the rest of you.
You are now at this point of frustration. You don't understand. You let your guard down. You changed almost everything there is to change. You don't even remember who you were once before. This no longer makes sense. In your haste to redeem yourself somehow you call out, "What can I do to make you like me?" No response... they just walk away. You look at what you have to change... and all that's left... is Shambles; pieces that no longer make sense. You can't figure this out. In your conquest to win the acceptance of "them" everything has fallen apart in your life. You find yourself alone in this "place" that is full of people who never even gave you a chance to show them what kind of person you could be.
Do you know this point?
Good... because now you understand where I am. I'm hanging on a cliff; struggling to hang on with everything that's left in me. No one to help... why? Because I was written off before they ever knew me or wanted to know me.
Sad? yes.... but very true.
It's pretty sad when christians have allowed themselves to treat other christians/friends/people this way and think of it as "ok" or the "modern day vernacular".
Maybe they'll learn one day... just maybe...
Thursday, October 18, 2007
A Woman in the Will of God
A Woman in the will of God....
....longs for more time to be all alone with her Bible and her Lord;
...is learning to ask, "How, Lord?", instead of, "Why, Lord?";
...seems preoccupied at times, for she is trying to get answers for her
earthly dilemmas from a heavenly source;
...is not driven by her fears, but by her faith;
...tells her troubles, yes, but first to the Master;
...may have a peculiar peace about her in the midst of turmoil;
...cries often, but dries her tears with renewed determination;
...has eyes that see clearer when they're closed and ears that hear
better when it is quiet;
...is losing her taste for vanity;
...doesn't cringe when she hears the words "submit" or "obey" for she
knows they are directional signs straight from God;
...has well learned to say, "I was wrong; I am sorry";
...makes others feel very welcome in her presence;
...is wholly surrendered to her Lord, even her attire, her hair, her
face, and her speech, saying, "Yes, my Lord";
...fears God, yet is not afraid of Him;
...knows how to fight and wrestle in the Spirit, and she knows the
secret of worshipping God before the victory as well as after the
victory;
...anxiously awaits the trumpet to sound, yet prays that God will wait
as she thinks of the lost;
...has learned that less is more, and to be exalted, she must first
humble herself;
...has a song to sing like no one else;
...is not fenced in by the restrictions of the society she lives in;
for she is free, free to soar in the presence of God, and free to be in
God's perfect will.
- I found this on a friend of mine's EC page.
....longs for more time to be all alone with her Bible and her Lord;
...is learning to ask, "How, Lord?", instead of, "Why, Lord?";
...seems preoccupied at times, for she is trying to get answers for her
earthly dilemmas from a heavenly source;
...is not driven by her fears, but by her faith;
...tells her troubles, yes, but first to the Master;
...may have a peculiar peace about her in the midst of turmoil;
...cries often, but dries her tears with renewed determination;
...has eyes that see clearer when they're closed and ears that hear
better when it is quiet;
...is losing her taste for vanity;
...doesn't cringe when she hears the words "submit" or "obey" for she
knows they are directional signs straight from God;
...has well learned to say, "I was wrong; I am sorry";
...makes others feel very welcome in her presence;
...is wholly surrendered to her Lord, even her attire, her hair, her
face, and her speech, saying, "Yes, my Lord";
...fears God, yet is not afraid of Him;
...knows how to fight and wrestle in the Spirit, and she knows the
secret of worshipping God before the victory as well as after the
victory;
...anxiously awaits the trumpet to sound, yet prays that God will wait
as she thinks of the lost;
...has learned that less is more, and to be exalted, she must first
humble herself;
...has a song to sing like no one else;
...is not fenced in by the restrictions of the society she lives in;
for she is free, free to soar in the presence of God, and free to be in
God's perfect will.
- I found this on a friend of mine's EC page.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Perception vs. Reality
It's kind of strange how this just came about. I was on everyonesconnected.com and I saw the article "Is Perception Reality?".
Here is what the article stated?
Is perception reality? Do those that view perception as reality
have skewed view of reality? Can reality be altered by the way we
perceive? Ultimately do how others perceive us define who we are?
Can we create chains on peoples life with the power of our perception?
My answer was:
I think that perception CAN become reality in a lot of cases. Because... ultimately it's what we see... that we truly believe and in a lot of cases although the "perception" of things may be tried... and the reality might win. You still have the "thoughts" of the perceived thing that still linger there or the image of what was perceived. Sometimes reality just isn't enough to overcome perception. That's why you have to be extra careful to not get put into situations where things can be perceived wrongly.
After all... we live in a world... that's based on Image... not Reality.
What do you think? I liked that answer. However, I want to expound a little more and answer the rest of the questions he had asked.
Is perception reality?
Technically... no, but it CAN become reality.
Do those that view perception as reality have skewed view of reality?
Absolutely not. It just means that the perception of things won the battle. Hence the reason we shouldn't let our "Good be evil spoken of". Becareful of how people perceive you.
Can reality be altered by the way we perceive?
I believe so. If we allow the perception to be here in the first place aren't we indeed saying the perception itself is reality?
Ultimately do how others perceive us define who we are?
Only if we don't allow ourselves to be come that way. We are who we allow ourselves to be. YOU can only be who YOU say you are.
Can we create chains on peoples life with the power of our perception?
Once again... I believe we can. Perception seems to be always stronger than the truth at times.
I don't know :) that's just my 2 cents.
Here is what the article stated?
Is perception reality? Do those that view perception as reality
have skewed view of reality? Can reality be altered by the way we
perceive? Ultimately do how others perceive us define who we are?
Can we create chains on peoples life with the power of our perception?
My answer was:
I think that perception CAN become reality in a lot of cases. Because... ultimately it's what we see... that we truly believe and in a lot of cases although the "perception" of things may be tried... and the reality might win. You still have the "thoughts" of the perceived thing that still linger there or the image of what was perceived. Sometimes reality just isn't enough to overcome perception. That's why you have to be extra careful to not get put into situations where things can be perceived wrongly.
After all... we live in a world... that's based on Image... not Reality.
What do you think? I liked that answer. However, I want to expound a little more and answer the rest of the questions he had asked.
Is perception reality?
Technically... no, but it CAN become reality.
Do those that view perception as reality have skewed view of reality?
Absolutely not. It just means that the perception of things won the battle. Hence the reason we shouldn't let our "Good be evil spoken of". Becareful of how people perceive you.
Can reality be altered by the way we perceive?
I believe so. If we allow the perception to be here in the first place aren't we indeed saying the perception itself is reality?
Ultimately do how others perceive us define who we are?
Only if we don't allow ourselves to be come that way. We are who we allow ourselves to be. YOU can only be who YOU say you are.
Can we create chains on peoples life with the power of our perception?
Once again... I believe we can. Perception seems to be always stronger than the truth at times.
I don't know :) that's just my 2 cents.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
I'm fat...
I'm so fat... seriously. I've not lost anymore weight. I'm just staying the same and I'm not happy about it. It's killing me. It's causing me to develop very unhealthy habits... that I don't like. I'm sad right now. It'll be a while before I'm happy again I'm sure. It just seems like everytime I decide to get my head up above the "water" something comes along that keeps me from coming up for a breath. It's killing me. Eventually I'm going to stay under and never come back up if I can't fight through this. I have way to much going on in my life. It literally stresses me out to go/be ANYWHERE. :( I wish things were different. Oh well... I made my bed. Now I have to lie in it.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Being Ready...
The post below is pretty much how I feel right now.
I think about the things I go through... physical, spiritual, and emotional. I just can't tear away from just trusting in God. I don't hardly trust any one anymore. All I know is that no matter what I go through. No matter the persecution or crucifiction.... I'm going to do what it takes to make it all the way. No I'm not perfect... never said I was, but what makes a difference between me & others is that I realize I've fallen but that I have to get back up and keep persevering. I have to keep going. Ok, I scrapped my knees a little... that's not going to hold me back. I'm going to keep going. I have to keep going.
I don't want to know what my life would be like without God in it. I don't even want to think of it... because if I do... my heart starts to ache. I couldn't be here without God. I can't be me without God. My entire being revolves around him & his purpose for my life. I can't be anyone else or do anything else.
Sight(God) beyong what I can see... You know what's best for me! Prepare my heart... prepare my mind for whatever comes... I'm going to be ready.
Strength to pass any test... I feel like I am so blessed... with you in control "I" can't go wrong... 'cause I always know... I'm going to be ready.
No matter what... I'm going to be ready.
I think about the things I go through... physical, spiritual, and emotional. I just can't tear away from just trusting in God. I don't hardly trust any one anymore. All I know is that no matter what I go through. No matter the persecution or crucifiction.... I'm going to do what it takes to make it all the way. No I'm not perfect... never said I was, but what makes a difference between me & others is that I realize I've fallen but that I have to get back up and keep persevering. I have to keep going. Ok, I scrapped my knees a little... that's not going to hold me back. I'm going to keep going. I have to keep going.
I don't want to know what my life would be like without God in it. I don't even want to think of it... because if I do... my heart starts to ache. I couldn't be here without God. I can't be me without God. My entire being revolves around him & his purpose for my life. I can't be anyone else or do anything else.
Sight(God) beyong what I can see... You know what's best for me! Prepare my heart... prepare my mind for whatever comes... I'm going to be ready.
Strength to pass any test... I feel like I am so blessed... with you in control "I" can't go wrong... 'cause I always know... I'm going to be ready.
No matter what... I'm going to be ready.
No matter what.. I'm going to be ready
I say a prayer every night, whatever I do, I'll get it right
With no regret, no guilt or shame this time, no not this time
Once I surrender, I won't dare look back, cause if I do, I'll get off track
Move ahead in faith, and patiently await your answer, what will it be
Sight beyond what I see
You know what's best for me
Prepare my mind, prepare my heart
For whatever comes, I'm gone' be ready
Strength to pass any test
I feel like I'm so blessed
With you in control, I can't go wrong
'Cause I always know, I'm gonna be ready
I was free to do, what I wanted to, lost everything, but I still had you
You showed me your grace, now my life's renewed and I thank you, yes.. I thank
You
So I'll tell anyone who'll listen, I'll testify
About how good you were to me, when so call friends passed me by
The fact that you would show somebody so broke down, so-much-merccccyyy...
Sight beyond what I see BEYOND WHAT I SEE
You know what's best I KNOW YOU KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR ME
Prepare my mind...PREPARE MY MIND AND PREPARE MY HEART
For whatever comes...FOR WHATEVER COMES I GONNA BE READY
Strength to pass any test GIVE ME THE STRENGTH TO PASS ANY TEST
I feel like I'm so blessed I KNOW THAT I'M SO BLESSED
With you in control...YOUR IN CONTROL LORD, CAN'T GO WRONG NO
'Cause I always know...CAUSE I KNOW THAT I'M GONNA BE READY
So use me as you will, I'll pay the price
'Cause made the ultimate sacrifice
It's all because of you, that I even have life
And I'll give my love, as a tribute, to how great you are...
Sight beyond what I see BEYOND WHAT I SEE
You know what's best I KNOW YOU KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR ME
Prepare my mind...PREPARE MY MIND AND PREPARE MY HEART
For whatever comes...FOR WHATEVER COMES I GONNA BE READY
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Love Fading Away???
Here lately I've been so shocked at the growing numbers of people whose relationships are shattered or disoriented by loving someone. It's ridiculous.
Security is no longer here. I'm scared to even ponder entering a relationship anymore because if I do... I won't ever know if they'll just decide to wake up one day and say, "I don't love you anymore." I don't know... to me it just seems safer right now to not love anyone anymore. I think that's best for me. Love people the way I need to, but never fall in love again. Sounds kind of hard core, but right now I'm just not ready for it. It’ll be a lonely journey, but I'd rather be alone for a while than to fall in love again. The pain, itself, is too much for me to swallow right now.
Most of my friends going through something similar right now. They are in love and either got dumped or the other person doesn't return their feelings. I just can't go through it again. Emotional exhaustion has taken me over. The only one in whom I can trust with my entire being is God. I think that's why I've stayed away from guys this last year. When I started to feel myself trust Jonathan and things turned out the way they did... I feel myself just sinking into a greater shell of self seclusion. It's my safe place. 3 strikes and you are out right? I've loved with my whole heart 2 times... the next time I love someone and it doesn't work out... I'm out of the game. I'm gone. My heart will be nothing. So I think I'm just going to keep what's left of my heart and just be a harbored soul for a while.
I can't take the risk anymore. Not now anyways.
In service today God really spoke to my heart. The sermon was for me. No one truly knows what I think about myself. Every one thinks I actually think I look cute or are pretty or etc. It's so funny... because if they truly knew... the only reason I say those things is because I try to make myself feel better. No one else ever tells me (not that they have to) but... my security level is so low. I'm constantly trying to improve myself because I'm not happy with me because of my past... things I've done/said/etc. God told me today that he loves me... no matter what the past looks like to others. All he sees in me is my future and where I'm going; not the things I've done or the mistakes I've made along the way.
Security is no longer here. I'm scared to even ponder entering a relationship anymore because if I do... I won't ever know if they'll just decide to wake up one day and say, "I don't love you anymore." I don't know... to me it just seems safer right now to not love anyone anymore. I think that's best for me. Love people the way I need to, but never fall in love again. Sounds kind of hard core, but right now I'm just not ready for it. It’ll be a lonely journey, but I'd rather be alone for a while than to fall in love again. The pain, itself, is too much for me to swallow right now.
Most of my friends going through something similar right now. They are in love and either got dumped or the other person doesn't return their feelings. I just can't go through it again. Emotional exhaustion has taken me over. The only one in whom I can trust with my entire being is God. I think that's why I've stayed away from guys this last year. When I started to feel myself trust Jonathan and things turned out the way they did... I feel myself just sinking into a greater shell of self seclusion. It's my safe place. 3 strikes and you are out right? I've loved with my whole heart 2 times... the next time I love someone and it doesn't work out... I'm out of the game. I'm gone. My heart will be nothing. So I think I'm just going to keep what's left of my heart and just be a harbored soul for a while.
I can't take the risk anymore. Not now anyways.
In service today God really spoke to my heart. The sermon was for me. No one truly knows what I think about myself. Every one thinks I actually think I look cute or are pretty or etc. It's so funny... because if they truly knew... the only reason I say those things is because I try to make myself feel better. No one else ever tells me (not that they have to) but... my security level is so low. I'm constantly trying to improve myself because I'm not happy with me because of my past... things I've done/said/etc. God told me today that he loves me... no matter what the past looks like to others. All he sees in me is my future and where I'm going; not the things I've done or the mistakes I've made along the way.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Keep Pressing On..
These last few weeks have been a real trial for me. Certain things I've faced... that I feel like I didn't face very well. That I could've done better but I didn't necessarily fail them either. I just wished I would've came out MORE on top of things than I did. God really knows how to take care of things in our lives yano?
Tonight we had a W.O.W. rally (Women of Worship) and my pastor's wife said something that really made start thinking about how far I wanted to go/grow in God. She said, "YOu need to start stepping into unfamiliar territory. Start doing things that you don't normally do and watch God work in your life". I'm sure this doesn't really reach a lot of people, but to me... it was exactly what I needed to hear. I'm to comfortable where I am right now. No one knows that... no one knows what I'm fighting when I'm fighting it. Everyone just assumes that things are just perfect in my life and that I have it made. No one knows what I have/had to go through to get to the place where I am.
Both relationships that I was in... Jeremy & Brandon. They were in the will of God... but only for a season. Mistakes had taken place... yeah that's what happens.. but I wouldn't BE where I am right now if I hadn't made those mistakes... & taken those chances on love. I believe that God had to let me learn things the HARD way in order to get me to start seeing things his way. He knows what he's doing! Everything works together according to his plan & purpose! :)
I love the Lord! I just want to tell everyone that!
"Praises to the one who saves us, through his blood he gave us life and now we've come! EVERYONE!!!"
Give God some GLORY & HONOR for the THINGS he's done in your life!!!
Tonight we had a W.O.W. rally (Women of Worship) and my pastor's wife said something that really made start thinking about how far I wanted to go/grow in God. She said, "YOu need to start stepping into unfamiliar territory. Start doing things that you don't normally do and watch God work in your life". I'm sure this doesn't really reach a lot of people, but to me... it was exactly what I needed to hear. I'm to comfortable where I am right now. No one knows that... no one knows what I'm fighting when I'm fighting it. Everyone just assumes that things are just perfect in my life and that I have it made. No one knows what I have/had to go through to get to the place where I am.
Both relationships that I was in... Jeremy & Brandon. They were in the will of God... but only for a season. Mistakes had taken place... yeah that's what happens.. but I wouldn't BE where I am right now if I hadn't made those mistakes... & taken those chances on love. I believe that God had to let me learn things the HARD way in order to get me to start seeing things his way. He knows what he's doing! Everything works together according to his plan & purpose! :)
I love the Lord! I just want to tell everyone that!
"Praises to the one who saves us, through his blood he gave us life and now we've come! EVERYONE!!!"
Give God some GLORY & HONOR for the THINGS he's done in your life!!!
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
The Unfailing Reality of Past Decisions
This past week I was granted the priviledge of going back east to visit my family and friends. It was a great week! I had a lot of fun. I was ready to come back home to California until the day I had to come back. One small minor detail changed my desires and thought patterns. I'm not sure how it will work out or if anything will ever come of it... but I really really would like for it to. I haven't really felt so sure about wanting something like this to work out in a while. BUT if God wants it to... it will.
Anyways... I could kick myself for the stupid decisions I make sometimes and for the ones I particularly made with this "small minor detail".
*le sigh*....
Anyways... I could kick myself for the stupid decisions I make sometimes and for the ones I particularly made with this "small minor detail".
*le sigh*....
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