Love Fading Away???

Here lately I've been so shocked at the growing numbers of people whose relationships are shattered or disoriented by loving someone. It's ridiculous.

Security is no longer here. I'm scared to even ponder entering a relationship anymore because if I do... I won't ever know if they'll just decide to wake up one day and say, "I don't love you anymore." I don't know... to me it just seems safer right now to not love anyone anymore. I think that's best for me. Love people the way I need to, but never fall in love again. Sounds kind of hard core, but right now I'm just not ready for it. It’ll be a lonely journey, but I'd rather be alone for a while than to fall in love again. The pain, itself, is too much for me to swallow right now.

Most of my friends going through something similar right now. They are in love and either got dumped or the other person doesn't return their feelings. I just can't go through it again. Emotional exhaustion has taken me over. The only one in whom I can trust with my entire being is God. I think that's why I've stayed away from guys this last year. When I started to feel myself trust Jonathan and things turned out the way they did... I feel myself just sinking into a greater shell of self seclusion. It's my safe place. 3 strikes and you are out right? I've loved with my whole heart 2 times... the next time I love someone and it doesn't work out... I'm out of the game. I'm gone. My heart will be nothing. So I think I'm just going to keep what's left of my heart and just be a harbored soul for a while.

I can't take the risk anymore. Not now anyways.

In service today God really spoke to my heart. The sermon was for me. No one truly knows what I think about myself. Every one thinks I actually think I look cute or are pretty or etc. It's so funny... because if they truly knew... the only reason I say those things is because I try to make myself feel better. No one else ever tells me (not that they have to) but... my security level is so low. I'm constantly trying to improve myself because I'm not happy with me because of my past... things I've done/said/etc. God told me today that he loves me... no matter what the past looks like to others. All he sees in me is my future and where I'm going; not the things I've done or the mistakes I've made along the way.