I don't even know where to begin. I feel like I'm at the lowest place I could possibly be. I'm being sucked into this whirlpool of emotions. Where everything is pulling me down so quickly and in a circular motion. I'm dizzy from all the movement. Today, I can't even begin to explain the humiliation and hurt I received from the 2 people I love so very much. After service today, I felt like such a failure; an embarassment to anyone that talks to me. I'm made to feel this way by people who feel the need to "humble" me or "talk bad about me" as result to pull me down.
I guess when I'm depressed... I'm not depressed enough to everyone because I chose not to include people in on my life.(like - let them know what's going on. I put up a front so that it appears everything is alright) It's really hard... because when I'm upset the most or down then most... I close everyone out and I dont' want any communication what-so-ever. I have no desire to rant my feelings out to anyone or to "talk" about what's going on. Yet, I want to. I wish I had a friend who was FRIEND ENOUGH to pursue me (as a friend) to find out what I was going through. That friend who will care enough to stretch just one foot forward to let me know that they TRULY care about me.
Allow me to elaborate a little further...
Ever been to a place that's totally new to you? Where NO ONE knows you? You have to walk in and make friends all on your own without knowing a single name? When you get in that place you think, "wow... this is such a great place to be! I want to be here forever!" Then you start trying to make "contacts" or "connections", but for some odd reason no one is giving you the time of day? Instead they turn their noses up and walk off in the other direction. Was it something you did? Were you walking funny? You scream out, "What did I do?" and their reply is, "It's just who you are." You search high and low in every possible memory you have and quickly start trying to figure out what it is about you that they don't like.
So you start changing things about you to win acceptance. You bring yourself (more or less allow yourself) to get to this level that (according to your standards) isn't a place you want to be, but if this is where you are accepted then... maybe it's ok for now. After subcumbing yourself down to that level you go up to them again and say, "how about now?" And they continue to walk in the other direction; neglecting or chosing NOT to acknowledge your presence. So this sparks more desire/determination in you to want to keep changing until you win their acceptance. You are in a whirlwind of changes. Everything going soo fast and changing so quickly that you aren't sure why you started changing in the first place. After all is said and done... you are so sure that "Now... they will like me. I've done all this for them. They have to accept me now." So you walk up to them with excitement in your voice and you say, "How about now? Do you like me now that I've changed for you!?"
They glance at you and say, "NO..." You quickly cry out, "Why? What am I doing that's wrong?" Their reply is, "It's just you." Their response rips through you like a wave. It starts in the heart... and then affects the rest of you.
You are now at this point of frustration. You don't understand. You let your guard down. You changed almost everything there is to change. You don't even remember who you were once before. This no longer makes sense. In your haste to redeem yourself somehow you call out, "What can I do to make you like me?" No response... they just walk away. You look at what you have to change... and all that's left... is Shambles; pieces that no longer make sense. You can't figure this out. In your conquest to win the acceptance of "them" everything has fallen apart in your life. You find yourself alone in this "place" that is full of people who never even gave you a chance to show them what kind of person you could be.
Do you know this point?
Good... because now you understand where I am. I'm hanging on a cliff; struggling to hang on with everything that's left in me. No one to help... why? Because I was written off before they ever knew me or wanted to know me.
Sad? yes.... but very true.
It's pretty sad when christians have allowed themselves to treat other christians/friends/people this way and think of it as "ok" or the "modern day vernacular".
Maybe they'll learn one day... just maybe...
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
I went through something similar in my life. I was trying to change who I was to fit in with the crowd. The only thing was, at the time I wasn't even sure who I was. I spent a year trying to fit in, and looking back, it was the darkest year of my life.
Then one day I was just like, why am I even doing this? I stopped worrying about what everyone else thought and started concentrating on me. Yeah, that sounds kind of selfish, but I've been much happier ever since. Looking back, I can say that was one of the best decisions of my life.
My advice: just be yourself. A true friend won't expect you to change. If people don't want to be your friend for who you are - forget them. You don't need them anyways. Go out and try new things. If the people at your church aren't very friendly, visit other churches. Join a gym. Take yoga lessons. It doesn't matter exactly what you do, just get in a situation where you can meet new people. Also, people can tell when you are trying to change to fit in, and that could make some people dislike you. Confidence is good. Just remember that everyone is not going to be your friend. When you meet someone new, just have the attitude of "this is who I am, take it or leave it". Of course you don't want to take that attitude too far, and be annoying about it.
Anyways, I wish you the best!
Post a Comment