I'm not ready...

Here lately things have been coming to me... one after the other. I've began to realize something. I'm not ready. I'm not ready to begin all over anew. I fear this will take a really long time, but with God... anything is possible. I know this is going to sound strange to some but not to others..... BUT... I've gotten to a point where God is constantly on my mind. I'm always aware of him... I'm always thinking about how great He is and then I find myself just completely relying on Him to make a way for me to work things out.

I just joined this special prayer group at my church and some of the things my pastor told me that I would face if I joined.... literally scare the mess out of me. I'm going to do it anyway. I'm tired of always being afraid. I want to start living my life without fear of the devil trying to ruin everything. I know that's what he does... but... no one truly understands how great my fear is. This is why... I joined this group. To overcome my flaw and to be a fervent intercessor. I want to stand in the gap for someone's need. I want to cry out to God late in the night for them. I want to help them. I want to give to them whever I can!

I want to be sold out completely to God. My pastor made an interesting point this past week in a sermon he preached called, "Climbing the mountain to absolute surrender". It was about Abraham and Isaac and how when God spoke the words "I want your son as a sacrafice"... Abaraham just said... ok God he's yours. He didn't have to think about it. He didn't wait a few days and say ok God... i think I can do this. Abraham was totally surrendered to God... even if it meant giving up the thing he cared for the most in this world. His most prized posession.

I want to be there... I want to be like Abraham was... where NOTHING in this world matter but being sold out to God. I'm getting there... I can feel it. If I can just conquer this spirit of fear that I'm battling.. then I know I can do it. I want to be COMPLETE in Him. And with a little more help from him.. I can be.

THank you Lord for this day... and for everything that you are doing in my life. I love you so much. I can do all things through you, Lord... and I know you can take me through this trial that I'm facing!

The More I Seek You

God this is my prayer... I'm so inlove with you Lord. You are the love of my life... my greatest treasure. My ultimate best friend... My Everything. My every Love...

The more I seek you.... the more I find you...

The more I find you.... the more I love you....

I wanna sit at your feet.

drink from the cup in your hand

Lay back against you and breath

Feel your heart beat... this love is so deep

it's more than I can stand...

I melt in your peace... it's overwhelming...

A Half Eaten Sucker

Wow it seems like everytime I start feeling better about myself... I get knocked down again.

I talked to a really old friend tonight... I pretty much broke his heart. I really liked him alot.. but I was stupid and made a lot of mistakes in that relationship. Anyways...

We were talking tonight... and reminiscing over the past relationship that we had. I wanted to cry after I realized what I had done to him. I know that sorry will never ever make things right. I wish I could make things better for him... but anyways

During the period of mine and his time apart I've made a lot of mistakes.(and he knows about them)... He told me tonight while we were "reminiscing" that he views me/our past relationship as.... this:

You walk into a candy shop and there are a hundred different types of flavors of suckers. AND there are like all kinds of guys in there picking out their FAVORITE kind? Well you walk in there with and you see the ONE sucker you really want. You are goign to give everything you've saved for it... and right when you go to get it... a nother guy comes along and takes the sucker before you can get it. He takes the wrapper off and licks all over it. Then another guy grabs it right quick and takes a bite out of it... then he just throws it on the ground. Then he turns to you and says, "You can still have it... if you want to buy it".

Then he was like yeah... a half eaten sucker. Then he didn't say anything else about it. But... it makes me so sad to think about. Because yeah... I've screwed up a lot. A WHOLE LOT and the thought crosses my mind... "yeah... who's going to want you?".

Atleast God wants me... right? He died for my sins. ATleast God loves me enough to say... "Hey, I still want you... I still love you... I still think you are worth everything I have to offer"

I know God has someone for me... and I know that God has someone who will love me no matter what my past mistakes have been.