Love Fading Away???

Here lately I've been so shocked at the growing numbers of people whose relationships are shattered or disoriented by loving someone. It's ridiculous.

Security is no longer here. I'm scared to even ponder entering a relationship anymore because if I do... I won't ever know if they'll just decide to wake up one day and say, "I don't love you anymore." I don't know... to me it just seems safer right now to not love anyone anymore. I think that's best for me. Love people the way I need to, but never fall in love again. Sounds kind of hard core, but right now I'm just not ready for it. It’ll be a lonely journey, but I'd rather be alone for a while than to fall in love again. The pain, itself, is too much for me to swallow right now.

Most of my friends going through something similar right now. They are in love and either got dumped or the other person doesn't return their feelings. I just can't go through it again. Emotional exhaustion has taken me over. The only one in whom I can trust with my entire being is God. I think that's why I've stayed away from guys this last year. When I started to feel myself trust Jonathan and things turned out the way they did... I feel myself just sinking into a greater shell of self seclusion. It's my safe place. 3 strikes and you are out right? I've loved with my whole heart 2 times... the next time I love someone and it doesn't work out... I'm out of the game. I'm gone. My heart will be nothing. So I think I'm just going to keep what's left of my heart and just be a harbored soul for a while.

I can't take the risk anymore. Not now anyways.

In service today God really spoke to my heart. The sermon was for me. No one truly knows what I think about myself. Every one thinks I actually think I look cute or are pretty or etc. It's so funny... because if they truly knew... the only reason I say those things is because I try to make myself feel better. No one else ever tells me (not that they have to) but... my security level is so low. I'm constantly trying to improve myself because I'm not happy with me because of my past... things I've done/said/etc. God told me today that he loves me... no matter what the past looks like to others. All he sees in me is my future and where I'm going; not the things I've done or the mistakes I've made along the way.

Keep Pressing On..

These last few weeks have been a real trial for me. Certain things I've faced... that I feel like I didn't face very well. That I could've done better but I didn't necessarily fail them either. I just wished I would've came out MORE on top of things than I did. God really knows how to take care of things in our lives yano?

Tonight we had a W.O.W. rally (Women of Worship) and my pastor's wife said something that really made start thinking about how far I wanted to go/grow in God. She said, "YOu need to start stepping into unfamiliar territory. Start doing things that you don't normally do and watch God work in your life". I'm sure this doesn't really reach a lot of people, but to me... it was exactly what I needed to hear. I'm to comfortable where I am right now. No one knows that... no one knows what I'm fighting when I'm fighting it. Everyone just assumes that things are just perfect in my life and that I have it made. No one knows what I have/had to go through to get to the place where I am.

Both relationships that I was in... Jeremy & Brandon. They were in the will of God... but only for a season. Mistakes had taken place... yeah that's what happens.. but I wouldn't BE where I am right now if I hadn't made those mistakes... & taken those chances on love. I believe that God had to let me learn things the HARD way in order to get me to start seeing things his way. He knows what he's doing! Everything works together according to his plan & purpose! :)

I love the Lord! I just want to tell everyone that!


"Praises to the one who saves us, through his blood he gave us life and now we've come! EVERYONE!!!"

Give God some GLORY & HONOR for the THINGS he's done in your life!!!

The Unfailing Reality of Past Decisions

This past week I was granted the priviledge of going back east to visit my family and friends. It was a great week! I had a lot of fun. I was ready to come back home to California until the day I had to come back. One small minor detail changed my desires and thought patterns. I'm not sure how it will work out or if anything will ever come of it... but I really really would like for it to. I haven't really felt so sure about wanting something like this to work out in a while. BUT if God wants it to... it will.

Anyways... I could kick myself for the stupid decisions I make sometimes and for the ones I particularly made with this "small minor detail".

*le sigh*....

An Unexpected Shocker...

Tonight I was online looking at a friend of mine's website on Everyonesconnected.com. I recently noticed she had changed some things around on her profile and I saw she had updated again so I went to check her out. On her very first page... she had written a small passage. It was titled "Still Small Voice". In this passage she let's out this passion for God like I've never seen in her before. The things she said and the way she felt about God... moved me to tears. Here is just a small portion of what she wrote.

"God changed my life today. I know a lot of people say that, But this is something that can and will not fade. I feel that strongly about it. My time devoted to God today, altered my life and the way I view myself. The Craziest thing happened. I get to the church at 1:12pm. Walk in, and couldn’t get the sound system to work. I wanted to put in my usual prayer CD. (Guess God disagreed) Sooo, I grab a CD that my youth pastor preached awhile back entitled “Can I have your attention, please!!?” I went upstairs to the youth prayer room, put the CD in and pressed play. I turned off EVERY light. It was pitch black and I was completely alone. I Could not see my hand in front of me. “Be still, and know that I am God.” And that’s exactly what I did. Not a peep. Just listened. The longer I sat and listened, the closer I felt him move towards me, the stronger I felt him, the more in awe I became, the more I wept. Next thing I know, he was sitting right beside me. He spoke to me today... "

Wow... it's amazing. This girl.. what God is doing in her life. I wish you guys could read the entire thing. It rendered me speechless! I felt my self crying out to God, "OH! GOD move in my life! speak to me Lord! Take me to another level!!!!!!!"

This girl has just blown me away. I would've never thought her to feel this way about God or to hunger after him with such a desire.

What an awesome girl.... I've acquired such a great respect for her...

Lord, move in all of us. Give us all a hunger for you.

I'm not ready...

Here lately things have been coming to me... one after the other. I've began to realize something. I'm not ready. I'm not ready to begin all over anew. I fear this will take a really long time, but with God... anything is possible. I know this is going to sound strange to some but not to others..... BUT... I've gotten to a point where God is constantly on my mind. I'm always aware of him... I'm always thinking about how great He is and then I find myself just completely relying on Him to make a way for me to work things out.

I just joined this special prayer group at my church and some of the things my pastor told me that I would face if I joined.... literally scare the mess out of me. I'm going to do it anyway. I'm tired of always being afraid. I want to start living my life without fear of the devil trying to ruin everything. I know that's what he does... but... no one truly understands how great my fear is. This is why... I joined this group. To overcome my flaw and to be a fervent intercessor. I want to stand in the gap for someone's need. I want to cry out to God late in the night for them. I want to help them. I want to give to them whever I can!

I want to be sold out completely to God. My pastor made an interesting point this past week in a sermon he preached called, "Climbing the mountain to absolute surrender". It was about Abraham and Isaac and how when God spoke the words "I want your son as a sacrafice"... Abaraham just said... ok God he's yours. He didn't have to think about it. He didn't wait a few days and say ok God... i think I can do this. Abraham was totally surrendered to God... even if it meant giving up the thing he cared for the most in this world. His most prized posession.

I want to be there... I want to be like Abraham was... where NOTHING in this world matter but being sold out to God. I'm getting there... I can feel it. If I can just conquer this spirit of fear that I'm battling.. then I know I can do it. I want to be COMPLETE in Him. And with a little more help from him.. I can be.

THank you Lord for this day... and for everything that you are doing in my life. I love you so much. I can do all things through you, Lord... and I know you can take me through this trial that I'm facing!

The More I Seek You

God this is my prayer... I'm so inlove with you Lord. You are the love of my life... my greatest treasure. My ultimate best friend... My Everything. My every Love...

The more I seek you.... the more I find you...

The more I find you.... the more I love you....

I wanna sit at your feet.

drink from the cup in your hand

Lay back against you and breath

Feel your heart beat... this love is so deep

it's more than I can stand...

I melt in your peace... it's overwhelming...

A Half Eaten Sucker

Wow it seems like everytime I start feeling better about myself... I get knocked down again.

I talked to a really old friend tonight... I pretty much broke his heart. I really liked him alot.. but I was stupid and made a lot of mistakes in that relationship. Anyways...

We were talking tonight... and reminiscing over the past relationship that we had. I wanted to cry after I realized what I had done to him. I know that sorry will never ever make things right. I wish I could make things better for him... but anyways

During the period of mine and his time apart I've made a lot of mistakes.(and he knows about them)... He told me tonight while we were "reminiscing" that he views me/our past relationship as.... this:

You walk into a candy shop and there are a hundred different types of flavors of suckers. AND there are like all kinds of guys in there picking out their FAVORITE kind? Well you walk in there with and you see the ONE sucker you really want. You are goign to give everything you've saved for it... and right when you go to get it... a nother guy comes along and takes the sucker before you can get it. He takes the wrapper off and licks all over it. Then another guy grabs it right quick and takes a bite out of it... then he just throws it on the ground. Then he turns to you and says, "You can still have it... if you want to buy it".

Then he was like yeah... a half eaten sucker. Then he didn't say anything else about it. But... it makes me so sad to think about. Because yeah... I've screwed up a lot. A WHOLE LOT and the thought crosses my mind... "yeah... who's going to want you?".

Atleast God wants me... right? He died for my sins. ATleast God loves me enough to say... "Hey, I still want you... I still love you... I still think you are worth everything I have to offer"

I know God has someone for me... and I know that God has someone who will love me no matter what my past mistakes have been.